Discovering Loose Meat

Farm Forum

I recently took the time to read the menu for the local school’s lunch program they publish in my weekly newspaper. Try it. You’ll be surprised what kids are eating these days.

I found one main dish that was listed as “loose meat.”

This worried me. What in the name of a pork chop is “loose meat?”

It was the first time in my life I’d ever heard of the term “loose meat.”

Is the “loose” raised domestically, or is it something running wild or, worse yet, imported from Norway?

I know I’ve never seen a Loose, nor eaten meat from an actual Loose.

Is the Loose an animal that resides in the wetlands of Maine and is a relative of the moose?

I’m reminded of the woman who worried when her husband announced proudly that he was going out for the night to shoot craps with his buddies. She fretted through the night because she not only didn’t know what a crap was, but she had no idea how to cook it.

Now I know how she must have felt because I do not have a clue on how one prepares the meat of a Loose.

And I am as concerned about the apparent needless slaughter of the Loose as I was when the Chrysler Corporation and various makers of chairs started using the hide of the wily Nauga for seat covers.

Since then I have refused the buy a car or a chair embellished with the hide of a Nauga. I did the exact same thing when they started making leisure suits out of the beautiful and nearly extinct Polyester.

It is illegal, after all, to hunt the Polyester and I think the same protection should be offered to the Nauga. Incidentally, Elks and Shrine Club members are the most blatant consumers of the hide of Polyester.

I’m told that it takes the hides of three fully-grown Polyesters to make one suit jacket, and that was the jacket with the stylish narrow lapel. If you bought the entire ensemble to make you could be responsible for the death of an entire pride of Polyesther, for gosh sakes.

So before Loose meat packers and their alligator-shoed Washington lobbyists start to ratchet up the hype to make the hunting of the Loose legal, I thought I should write this column to alert all of you to what’s happening to our exotic wildlife.

Just as we saved the nocturnal Nauga and the prowling Polyester from extinction, let’s all take a pledge here that we will never allow the meat from a Loose to be served to our children at school lunches.

To make this morally correct, please put your hand on your family Bible, which you might notice is probably bound in fake Nauga hide. If it is, after you’ve made your pledge, put the book in a safe place.

You can’t hardly get the hyde of Nauga anymore.

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